KAFFIR AND RICE

OK. We've lost a great bloke to Canada, gained a new girl and a cat jumped on board in the process. There had been a strict (and strange) no animal rule, but the mice were turning the tide with their increasingly dominant behaviour.

When one jumped at my face bearing its teeth the CATS WILL BE SHOT notice came off of the cat flap and we started trying to recruit a killer. Over the last two years we have tried all sorts of humane traps, some stupid subsonic plug n things which were supposed to make a noise that mice didn't like (total shit). It always occurred to me that with so many cats wandering up and down our street the sensible thing to do was unblock the catflap but finding a cat which would come in and stay in proved difficult.

The stuck up cow next door just clawed to get out, the layed back ginger tosser down the end would come, eat and go. I took to late night furtive cat hunts armed with smoked makrel. As I was about to despair, I came down one morning to find

THE KNIFE

Shes been coming back frequently, refuses all treats, she just wants to catch the mice, if thats OK with us. We've been adopted. The most vocal opposition to animals in the house is now purring her praises.

In news from Belmarsh, Abdullah has let it be known that he'll take me for dinner whenever he gets out. But this time it will be Kaffir and Rice.