CYCLING IN LONDON

This is a little late, but I have been intending to write a post to welcome all the new cyclists in London who are trying to avoid the local Jihad. Contrary to popular opinion amongst London cyclists I find London drivers to be really safe, used to "the London crawl" and pretty courteous if you signal your intentions properly.

Here are some "rules of the road" in London you may find useful.

1. When going round roundabouts or passing junctions, look straight into the eyes of approaching drivers. This is a very simple one which has saved my life a couple of times. Basically, if they aren't looking straight into your eyes there is a big chance that they haven't seen you and aren't going to stop. If in any doubt, stop.

2. Try to always cycle a car doors width away from parked cars. This isn't always possible but it is better to get beeped from behind by some irrate tin box than go headlong into a swinging car door sharp end first.

3. Occupy your space on the road. Wave your arms about, whatever. Make it look as if you are a nutter who is going to swing wildly in any dirrection at any moment. Most people will slow down a bit until they work out what on earth you are up to.

4. If you see someone swinging their car about wildly infront of you because they are on a mobile phone and they have their window open, swipe the thing out of their hand as you pass and deposit it in the next bin you come across. There is no excuse for this and it is illegal. Eventually they will learn. It is your duty to teach them.

5. A quick look over your shoulder inside and out. Know what is about and how fast it is moving. Signal where you are going. Get used to communicating with other road users.

6. Carry a light but effective waterproof, a puncture kit and a pump. There will be moments when you will be glad you did.

7. Jumping lights. Everyone does it. My 55 year old optician does it on his wifes shopping bike. It is one of the strangest outbreaks of anarchy on London streets. Be sensible about it and don't just follow someone else who does it.

8. The Police. If you can't afford a £30 fine, there are alternatives to stopping. You can not only outrun a panda car in most situations, you can look back and wave at the driver as he tries to struggle after you through heavy traffic, siren blaring. There are a lot of new cycle Police about now because they were pissed off about this no doubt, but they are mainly looking for couriers to chase. If one of them stops you and you are not a courier, be subservient and they probably wont fine you. Say something like

"If I had seen you there I wouldn't have jumped that light mate!" and look a bit sheepish. Usually works.

I have only ever been fined once in 10 years and that was because I was stupid enough tp stop for a panda car.

If you do get in a chase with a Police cyclist, you are seriously fast and know your way about, the trick is to go around a blind corner, slam on the breaks and sit on a wall holding your bike infront of you. If you are quick enough you will see the Police bike flying past and go home with a big grin on your face.

9. If jihadis get wise and start bicycle bombing blame Tony Blair for bombing Muslim countries and smiling about it. WANKER. Oh and make sure you have sent a picture to youblewmeupyoubastard.

NB. THIS POSTING IS A JOKE AND I AM NOT INCITING YOU TO DO ANYTHING. I DID NOT WRITE THIS POST. I FOUND IT SOMEWHERE. I AM NOT HERE. I DO NOT EXIST. THE DOG ATE IT. ETC. ETC.