Since I started this blog I have lowered my narcotic intake drastically. Just trying to "drink in" what Fundamental Islam was really about every friday seemed to seperate me totally from my peer group. For over 15 years I felt like I could only make sense of the world when I was shit faced. Although I am mostly sober these days except for the demon weed, I still feel like this. I'm mostly straight but I still can't make sense of anything.
When some of Mr. Hamza's friends tell me that they left lives like mine for the fundamentals of Islam, I can see it. I know that in the state I am in, addicted to various habits and behaviour patterns I cannot see the wood for the trees. Life is a process of "fooling myself into" things I really want to do and struggling to "fool myself out of" what is bad for me.
Since I started filming people I very rarely "believe things" anymore. I see an argument. I make myself aware of the opposing argument. I think- These arguments contrast. They would make a good documentary.
I haven't smoked dope for 7 days. My paranoia has subsided. I can communicate with people again but I feel a certain "emptiness" which I have a massive urge to obliterate with ganja.
I fell off my bike and trashed my arm a little while ago. Rough justice for writing this no doubt. It stopped me from one opportunity to relive my "shitfaced in a field with repetitive beats" lifestyle but there is another coming up this weekend.
I know I'm going to see a lot of faces I haven't seen for years. I know there will be a lot of people who will see my artwork hanging in the trees and look for me. I wonder if I will try and stay straight and find peace within my old peer group or if I will reach for that chemical "moment" when everything makes sense and the beat is the perfect expression of my soul.
5 comments:
Wish I could think of something really profound to say that would help you stay on your feet.
You certainly aren't the first or the last to want to feel better any way possible.
You are too smart to go through life wasted though.
Use your gifts. Life is there for the taking. I know you can do it.
Congrats on your reduction! That's awesome.
db: "I'm mostly straight but I still can't make sense of anything."
I can relate. There are things in my life I still can't make sense of, either. (As we Christians say, they just won't make sense this side of heaven, no matter how much I analyze them.)
db: "I feel a certain "emptiness" which I have a massive urge to obliterate with ganja."
I can relate to that, too. I long to feel better than it's humanly possible to feel. I (try to) consider it an inward groaning. A longing for a better place than this earth could ever be.
Did you make it through the weekend? I really hope so.
just got back. great blast around the coast for a few days.
I didn't realise you were a christian. I always wonder if its just chemical.
I thought that "What the Bleep" had some answers which were worth exploring but a lot of new age stuff makes perfect sense- and then makes no difference to your life. I'm going to give it another watch.
The verse from Romans is interesting. I used to be part of a church which was split down the middle regarding these "spiritual gifts".
tongues, prophecy etc.
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